only once

everything swirling in my mind,
tears flowing down my face,
my legs cant carry me anymore,
but I keep on running
as fast as I can,
I dont care them laughing at me,
I dont care them pointing at me,
All I know is
I have to run... I must not stop.
I dont want to stop...
I dont want to think what you told me
before turning your back at me,
I dont want to remember that
hate in your eyes when
I said I am madly in love with you....
I dont want to realize
you had lied to me all these days...
becoz I love you so much.
And then suddenly I trip over
and fall , facing the ground.
I smell the ground and open my eyes,
I see a broken twig
maybe trampled by someone .... just like me.
I dont have the strength to move
A pain is killing me inside
I feel like screaming...
I see people surrounding me
as i lay there helpless,
my eyes still searching something,
I cant breathe anymore
I cant hear what they are saying,
I cant see anything clearly,
but still I keep on searching HIM
in the midst of the crowd,
I try to shout his name
but my throat is dry in thirst,
I am tired, I am weak, I am stupid,
All I want is to see you
one last time.... just once..
darkness fill my mind
'God where is he !!'
I gasp for air,
I know HE will come... he WILL..
my love is strong enough,
My love is true enough
to just let me see him,
smell him, hold him , for once
before I die...
I lay there just with the hope
that our eyes will meet for once,
and before I take my last breathe
I feel a slight hope
that maybe.. maybe oneday
our eyes will meet
and his dark eyes will pour into mine
but that day, I wont be
seeing through those still lifeless eyes...

the moment I miss you

Screaming on the inside.
Kicking and crying on the outside.
Wanting him back.
Needing to hear him.
Gasping, Trembling.
Trying to find the words.
Getting mad,
Getting angry,
Hating the world,
Then breaking completely down.
Can't breath,
Drowning in tears.
Sobbing hard,
Praying for God's help with everything I have.
Lump in my throat,
Knots in my stomach.
Tears soaking up my face.
The salty taste is in my mouth.
Wanting him to feel the love I feel for him.
Wanting him to see the pain he's putting me through.
Not strong enough.
Dont have the strength to hide the hurt.
Trying to hold back,
But I'm about to burst.
Feeling rejected,
Can't find what I've left behind.
I'm losing faith,
Falling from Grace,
I'm all over the place.
Lost inside.
Not complete.
I need to step up and be strong.
Can't show him my weakness.
He won't see the tears behind these ahzel eyes.
He'll never know how I truely feel.
Hoping he feels it too.
I won't give up.
I can't.
I have to stay true.
I will use the rest of my strength,
I'll show him I Love Him.
Scared of rejection again.
I don't want it to come to that.
Terrified.
The thing I want most...
Is the only thing that petrifies me.

my heart wonders.....

My heart is wondering.
Wondering if you ever think of those days,
when we smiled, loved and lived together.
I think of them.
Wondering if you remember the first time you kissed me,
the moment we fell in love, the first time you said "I love you".
I remember.
Wondering if you think of me,
our love, wondering if you forgot how good it felt.
I miss you.
Maybe someday my heart will stop wondering, but until then,
I'll never fall in love again like that.
I know it's been years, but I still love you.
Always have, always will.
You told me you loved me
Though I never knew
That when u said love
You meant lust
When i realized that lust
I begun to cry
Though you said it wasnt your fault
if i thought our "close friendship" o be love,
becoz to you it was all infatuation
but how can i help from falling in love wid you
So I curled up in a little ball
In the corner of the hallways
I waited for you to say you are sorry
I though knew you wont
Cause i used to have a fairy tale
Though it has turned into a dream and
That dream became the nightmare
but no matter i will always love you....

cant u see----i m already broken?

Look into my eyes,
See my broken heart,
Pain reflected in my eyes,
Taste my tears,
My liquid pool of emotion,
See my sadness,
Hear my voice,
An undisturbed silence,
Gives a chill to the air,
Emotions fill my head,
Turn me all around,
Water full of sadness,
Runs down through lines,
Through the lines,
Of this unhappy face.

when will u see me crying for u?? will u ever?? i am so much helplessly in love wid u. i desperately need u ...... but i know i have to move on. it difficult but i believe god will surely help me .

it has been 2 years since he left me and went away but still i cant forget him. can anyone tell me what to do?? many say "move on wid life".... "god will help u"......"u will get back ur true love if u wait"....... and so on. but god damn it!!! it never happens though i wish so much atleast one of them to happen. iiii am so helpless today... not even god can help me now !!!! i am so much in love the one who doesnt even deserve my love and dont feel it. i hate crying but more i keep back the tears from falling i feel a burning sensation in my chest more and more. i want to forget him. i want to erase him out of my memory. i cant get him out of my mind. thinking about him and breathing is same to me.

he loves someone else. he always loved her. i was just an infatuation to him ofr 2 months. yes, 2 months ... thats all it took to end my life in such a pathetic way. i have always wanted him to be happy. thats what i asked from god. 'make him happy'.... and god answered my prayers. god made him happy. i dont blame god. i respect and trust god even now. life had been a nightmare for me for 7 months after he left me. even now the pain kills me. the worst thing is when i try to reach him an di dont get him, i know he is then enjoying himself wid his lover ......i just cant think anymore how he is enjoying himself.

why me god?? becoz i loved someone so much that i forgot to ask for my happiness?? is this what i get for loving someone so much? i know today, at this moment he is wid her in his bed making love. i m not jealous. i m sad. i just wish he would have loved me truly even for once. i can never tell him or make him understand what pain or torture i undergo everyday.... that my life has been jeopardized forever.... stay wid those pains silently enduring them..... only screaming in sleep ....
he went to his path which he found right but what about me? how can i tell him that i closed all the roads of my life and came to him ?? how can i make him realize that when he turned me away i have no where else to go and thats why i m still here . i love him. i really love him.


<<<<<<<<__________>>>>>>>>

sorry guys, just became a little bit emotional and vomitted it out. never mind it. and pls dont ask anything regarding it. love ya guys.

love is pain

the pain kill me every time i remember u
i know i have to let u go but i can't
u r far away today
with someone else....
enjoying your valentine's day
or enjoying ur 'ususal sunday roamings'.
all i can do is to cry here helplessly
i hate myself to think how weak i am
how much i am depended on u
and u dot even know my existence.
i miss the warmth of ur hugs....
the softness of ur kiss....
those moments wid u
which haunt me evryday.
words are too less to say how much it pains
to see u in someone's arm,
to see u moving someone's hair strands,
to see u smiling and holding hands ,
i wish so much it had been me.
its time i must let u go,
let u go out of my mind....... out of my heart
i dont know why cant i leave u
even after what damage u did to me
even after knowing u never loved me
but only used me... i hate so much to admit it.
its time for me to move on
but i am so weak...... so weak...

WHEN I LOOK AT YOU....

EVERYTIME I LOOK AT HIM,
I TRY MY BEST TO IGNORE HIM
BUT I CANT....
I CANT HELP FROM SMILING AT HIM
JUST BY HIS MERE PRESENCE.
ALL WORRIES LEAVE ME
WHEN I HEAR HIS VOICE,
I CANT TAKE MY EYES OFF HIS LIPS
THOSE LIPS WHICH ONCE LAID SO POSSESSIVELY ON MINE...
HE KEEPS ON TALKING .... I JUST HEAR HIS VOICE..
MEMORIES OF HIM HAUNTS ME EVERY MOMENT
THEY TEASE ME AND HURT ME...
BUT STILL I KEEP THEM CLOSE TO MY HEART
BECO'S THEY ARE THE ONLY PROOF
THAT 'WE' EXISTED ONCE..
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS FAKE TO U
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS NOT LOVE TO U
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS JUST INFATUATION FOR U....
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.... FOREVER..
WHEN HE LOOKS AT ME,
I FEEL A SHIVER IN MY SPINE...
I CANT TAKE MY EYES OFF HIM..
MY HEART RACES FAST... MY MIND SWIRLS
AND THEN....
A OLD, KNOWN PAIN TWIST MY HEART
AND I COME BACK AGAIN IN REAL WORLD....
I TRY TO TELL HIM SO MANY THINGS
JUST THROUGH MY EYES...
CANT HE SEE I AM DYING IN THE PAIN?
CANT HE SEE THE TORMENT I HAVE TO GO EVERYDAY?
HE LOOKS AWAY FROM ME.....
AND I KEEP WAITING WHEN HE WILL LOOK AT ME AGAIN...
MAYBE ONEDAY HE WILL REALIZE THE DAMAGE HE HAS DONE..
MAYBE...... JUST MAYBE...